Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj

Why I Wanted to See it: I've been a Kal Penn fan since his line in American Desi[1] about what Indians and Black people have in common. Although the stereotypical nature of his Indian character "Taj" in the original Van Wilder was saddening, I found myself actually enjoying the movie one late night (for what it's worth: ditto with Eurotrip and 100 girls[2]). Throw Taj to the forefront, mix in some colony-metropole shenanigans by sending him to England, and I was in Dependency Theory heaven.

Why I Hadn't Seen it: Either I missed the press screening or nobody told me when it was. I forgot, I mean, it was so long ago...

Why I Just Did: The Namesake got me all in a Penn-lovin mood.[3] More importantly, the Rockets/76ers game wasn't on national TV like the ESPN® website claimed it would be. 姚 only played 27 minutes so at least I didn't miss much.

Why I'm Glad I Did: Even a broken clock is right twice a day, so there were a few quotes that will stick out in my mind: "Nerd-per-willing chick ratios." "A horny, little care bear." "FLUX CAPACITOR." "Oh, our first fight!" "Milwaukee." In the small favors dept, somehow, Taj's family wasn't a crazy collection of caricatures.[4]

Why I Wish I Hadn't: No, it wasn't funny. Yes, it was sophomoric. At times, it made little to no sense.[5] Most of all, though, I'm disappointed by how superficially the whole India/England inextricability was treated. Having Taj's nemesis Pip be so blindly racist served to sequester the issue to one small segment of the story, but the real problem is how anti-Brown sentiment permeates all of British society. I'm not trying to say England is an especially racist country — nearly every state has its groups that it hates almost a priori — but it's not just the styled Highnesses that call desis "Pakis."

Expecting nuance out of a movie that made a running joke out of the phrase "diarrhea face" is obviously asking too much. Nor could any decent diasporic satire emerge when the Irish/Scot/British conflict is likewise treated as a trifle. Maybe I should be happy Taj gets in a "gora" jab, let alone that the most offensive thing about Penn's other-ness this time around is his total inability to maintain a realistic accent. Time was, Penn would never have been the star of a movie like this (and, given his lackluster box office record, he might not for a while unless the Harold & Kumar sequel takes off[6]). Shouldn't I be grateful for that?

[1] For the record, I knew about American Desi because I used to visit its producer's website, not because I had some sort of post-colonial assimilation story fetish. Well, not back then, anyway...
[2] Both happen to feature former Nickelodeon stars. Then Kal Penn appeared in Love Don't Cost a Thing, which was rampant with Nickelodeon-ness, but I think that's one tangent too many.
[3] Unfortunately, I did not particularly care for the movie, mostly because I think the book has too wide a time span to condense (cf. Roots). On the plus side, Tabu was gorgeous.
[4] I love alliteration. Should you not feel the same I suggest you give up on this blog toute suite.
[5] Of all my gripes with its nonsense sensibility, I want to know why Taj would become a n English history TA when the subject so vehemently bores him. Why is going for a PhD, then? How much lying went into that statement of purpose (and can he teach me how to replicate that by December)?
[6] Certainly, John Cho wouldn't get to make this movie, so let's not go patting ourselves on the back just yet.

Mario Kart Double Dash

What it Is:

Why I Wanted to Play it: I loved Mario Kart for SNES, the N64, and the DS. Double Dash itself is #48 on Metacritic's list of all-time top Gamecube discs, making it the fourth best-received racing game on the third most popular no-longer-next-gen system. Mostly, though, I'm a ヨッシ fan, and he's not in SSX3.

Why I Hadn't Played it: Console video games and failing college don't mix.

Why I Just Did: On Tuesday I bought MLB 2k7 for DS, because I'm a statistics wonk and baseball is just numbers. Unfortunately, 2k7 is the worst video game I have ever played in my life; it's like a throwback to the pre-Tecmo Super Bowl technology when you couldn't save any games, except it completely lacks any of the compensatory charm of the era. To cleanse my gaming palette, I fired up Mario Kart DS to remind myself that DS games *can* look good, only to remember I recently bought a better, brighter version of it in the form of Double Dash.[1]

Why I'm Glad I Did: While I've seen what better hardware can do for Nintendo characters in the trailers for Smash Bros Brawl, the Gamecube is more than adept at handling the cartoony-aesthetic of Nintendo mascots. A realistic Mario falls squarely into the Uncanny Valley anyway.[2]

Double Dash still dazzles with course design. No course better emphasizes this than DK Mountain, a jungle track with guard rail-less turns, avalanches, and teetering rope bridge right before the finish line. Of all its features, however, none is more satisfying than the giant barrel — visible in the embedded video — which catapaults you over a chasm and onto an anthropomorphic volcano. If it wasn't so difficult, it would be adorable, which leads us to the cons[3].

Why I Wish I Hadn't: Despite having beaten all the Mario Kart games — save the Game Boy iteration — I haven't even unlocked any new courses on Double Dash. That same variety which would make racing against humans so thrilling becomes heartbreaking when I'm seconds away from Mario Circuit's Finish Line and Pirahna Plant jumps at me, allowing the randomly chosen Best Computer Character to pass me.

Granted, Double Dash isn't a racing sim, but most courses are ludicrously non-racing-friendly. I would rather have another Baby Park — seven laps around a simple elliptical track — than be frozen by one more obnoxiously oversized Slipice. Of the 12 original tracks, I only like three: Baby Park, Toad-Circuit-on-Steroids Mushroom City, and the ヨッシ-shaped Yoshi Circuit.

Don't even get me started on the whole "double" angle of the game engine. I'm grateful all my favorite tracks from Double Dash are included on the DS game (which somehow packs in twice as many tracks the GCN disc), sans the two-characers-per-car feature.

[1] One of the first things I did once I became gainfully employed was buy a Wii, and one of the first things I did after getting a Wii was buy a bunch of GCN discs. I now have three GCN discs for ever Wii one I have. This may turn into a ludology blog and fast.
[2] Don't worry; these are not pictures of Bob Hoskins
[3] And I don't mean no Noonien Singh

Accepted

Why I Wanted to See It: I've seen Knocked Up four times, and I saw Superbad. Although I wouldn't call myself a Jonah Hill stan, I'm definitely a fan.

Why I Hadn't Seen It: For the same reason NONE of the people I'd seen Knocked Up with saw Superbad with me;[1] it looked like the same sort of outcasts-navigating-college story by which I've always been underwhelmed.[2]

Why I Just Did: Somehow I've gone four month since my last capsule-review. I didn't realize I'd even been blogging here for four months!

Why I'm Glad I Did: Columbus Short is a star. The principal is the first gynecologist from Knocked Up. Ann Cusack is somewhere between Joan and John in terms of adorability. Scott Adsit (Pete from '30 Rock') plays one of the parents. James Garfield references are great, but James Garfield meta-references are made of awesome and win.

Most of all, it was surprisingly quotable. I humbly suggest these gems that were left off of the IMDb "memorable quotes" list:

"Stalking is an ugly word; I like to think of it as obsessively shadowing"

"This is so cheesy in the greatest way"
"There is nothing cheesy about a clap-on disco ball"

"Does the 'run-of-the-mill' college experience include stripping you of your dignity"

"If a stupid piece of paper is going to make us acceptable then let's go for it, then why not?"

Why I Wish I Hadn't: Screenwriters Adam Cooper and Bill Collage are responsible for the Olsen twins' New York Minute, while storywriter Mark Perez also provided the story for Herbie: Fully Loaded.[3] Now I almost want to watch those, but that seems like Nathan Rabin territory.

In all seriousness, the flippancy with which Accepted tackled the question, "Is college for everyone?" made me uncomfortable. There is probably a humorous way to address it without resorting to the standard freaks-v-establishment[4] plot the writers went with. A dichotomy like that plays into the framework of society and, in the end, undercuts itself. Not to get all Althusser up in this piece, but if the cookie-cutter structure of college suppresses the imagination which would allow many "failed" students to succeed -- which seems to be the point of the movie -- then how far can the "failed" ever get appropriating that structure?

Otherwise, what happens to everyone who doesn't get into the movie's self-learning school South Harmon? Do they form their own school? Will there be self-learning rivalries? Could Harmon propose a merger with South Harmon, combining the former's superior resources with the latter's specialized curriculum in exchange for eliminating the whole point of their being separate?

[1]The person I saw Superbad with was, however, converted and we later saw Knocked Up.
[2]However, I will cop to crying during Amy Heckerling's Loser.
[3]Lindsay Lohan's final film as far as I'm concerned.
[4]For the record, not everybody that goes to a fraternity is an evil blonde nor is the "hot" gal always dating the "douche."

Bottle Rocket

Why I Wanted to See It: I liked Rushmore, I like the Wilson brothers, and the title reminds me of October Sky.

Why I Hadn't Seen It: The weekend it came out I was in the Bronx watching Rumble in the Bronx.

Why I Just Did: After I told someone that The Darjeeling Limited was not made for me,[1] she said you either like Wes Anderson films or you don't, but I felt on the fence.

Why I'm Glad I Did: Owen Wilson had hair like Guile from Street Fighter. The Wilsons have great chemistry. George Lucas may have stolen Anakin's "I don't like sand" speech in Attack of the Clones from the pool scene with Inez and Anthony. No Bill Murray.

Why I Wish I Hadn't: My distaste for the post-Rushmore Wes Anderson films stems in part from their featuring the likes of Bill Murray and Gwyneth Paltrow, thus undercutting Anderson's eccentricity. Movies like The Royal Tenenbaums are pop-arthouse affairs, and although I can enjoy one or the other aesthetic, like A1 and orange juice[2] they don't go well together.

Looking back on Bottle Rocket puts me in an interesting position, because nobody involved was a star at the time, but I've only heard of the movie because its participants have since attained pop status. Can I parse my reaction to the performances from my reaction to Oh My Gosh It's Luke Wilson? Before-they-were-famous is a common framing device for various products,[3] but its relationship to the star system is more parasitic than synergistic. The star system is made for the here and now; it has not programmed me to deal with decade-old productions on shoestring budgets.

...

More to the point, Bottle Rocket bored me. Guess I didn't like Rushmore after all.

[1]I tend to identify with Indians more than I do with Americans, but Darjeeling is a very-American take on traveling through India.
[2]Trust me on this.
[3]Especially news and music

The Alien Costume: Part 1

Why I Wanted to See it: In anticipation of Spider-Man 3 I rewatched the beginning of the 94 cartoon's alien symbiote saga. Why this series isn't on DVD in its entirety, or why I don't know of a blog devoted to it is beyond me.[1] Granted SM[:TAS?] lacks the groundbreaking seriousness of the Timmverse Batman, the convoluted comics wonkery of FOX's 'X-Men'[2], or the animation fluidity of post-Saturday Morning ghetto superhero shows like 'Teen Titans' but it had its own charm and, in any case, is likely the source text for the movie.[3]

Why I'm Glad I Did: Much like Spider-Man's origin, there's no way to explain his black costume that's not stupid.[4] That doesn't matter, though, because it's simply awesome: shape-shifting, strength augmentation, turning one into a jerk and, I mean, look at it: it's black! How is that not enough?

The best part is the nightmare Spidey has when the not-yet-revealed as a symbiote takes over his body as he sleeps: he envisions the suit and his original red-blue-threads battling it out 怪獣, style. Once the black suit wins by shoving the original on some power lines, it swallows Spidey-as-Peter Parker, and then he wakes up hanging upside down in the "emo" outfit. If that sounds familiar, it's because the movie trailer clearly swipes it. Whichever of the six writers[5] for this episode came up with that, you better get your residuals.

Why I Wish I Hadn't: Every animation misstep in this episode has stuck in my mind for the past 13 years because it vacillates between excellent — Message to Sony Imageworks: this is what Spider-Man looks like swinging webs — and blatantly cost-cutting. No other series so shoddily reused animation: when the super-villain Rhino fights Spidey in a space shuttle teetering on the edge of the GWB[6], they used the same footage of the shuttle tilting back and forth a half-dozen times within two minutes.

'Alien Symbiote' is actually one of the better episodes in that regard, so my main problems are little script issues. Why does Peter Parker just leave his Spider-tracer-locator in his closet? How did transforming the symbiote into a police uniform let Spidey escape, when he did so in the middle of daytime traffic? I don't see how the security guarding "the specially enhanced control rods" the Kingpin was stealing for Alistair Smythe expected to stop The Rhino[7] by (irony of ironies) randomly charging.

Why I'm Ambivalent: Spider-Man's voice actor is really unconvincing as someone with edge, and this approaches ludicrous heights in the next episode. It's very uncomfortable to listen to, but haunting in its own way. Picture Greg Brady maniacally screaming "I'll tear you limb from liiiimb!" and you should get my point.

[1] Given how large the comic sub-blogosphere is, there might be lots, but I'm just not indie enough to get into that set. I do follow a decent blog on the Spider-Man newspaper strip, though.
[2] They revealed that Immortus was the main character behind this huge time/reality traveling story arc...except they never explained who Immortus was.
[3] Simply because there's no space for either the Beyonder or Richard Parker in a movie already packed — Batman & Robin style, it seems — with three villains.
[4] I don't know what was worse: Todd McFarlane's rationale in Spider-Man #13, or Bendis' rationale post-Civil War.
[5] Stan "The Man (aka The King's Second Banana)" Lee, Avi "Got Out While the Gettin Was Good" Arad, Len "Wolverine" Wein, Meg "I'm Sorry But I've Never Heard of Her" McLaughlin, Stan "Paul Dini Don't Run This" Berkowitz & John "Oh Shoot, He's Black!" Semper
[6] An equally awesome and unreasonable setting
[7] Wow, y'know, the cast list for this episode actually seems to be a lot longer than the movie. There's hope yet.

Step Up

Why I Wanted to See It: Step Up is a cross between Good Will Hunting's genius janitor and Save the Last Dance's ballet/hip-hop fusion.[1] Usually I decry copycatting, but I'll take a pass this time because I like the templates.[2]

Why I Hadn't Seen It: Much like Accepted, Step Up didn't stand out between the hype of Talladega Nights and SoaP.

Why I Just Did: The official description of Step Up's forthcoming sequel was so cookie-cutter I initially thought it was a genre-parody:

When rebellious street dancer Andie lands at the elite Maryland School of the Arts, she finds herself fighting to fit in while also trying to hold onto her old life. When she joins forces with the school’s hottest dancer Chase to form a crew of classmate outcasts to compete in Baltimore’s underground dance battle The Streets, she ultimately finds a way to live her dream while building a bridge between her two separate worlds.

Obviously, I'm going to see that movie — almost-cleverly titled Step Up 2 The Streets — so I need the backstory, right?

Why I'm Glad I Did: De'Shawn Washington and Alyson Stoner have just the right amount of adorable in their little-sibling roles.[3] Heavy D has a "Wait, was that Heavy D?" cameo. Not since 8 Mile has "The White Negro" been portrayed so thoughtfully. Most importantly, there's ostensibly narrative-sustaining dancing. Take THAT, Hairspray.

Why I Wish I Hadn't: Lots of little things piled up to bother me, from the token douchebag boyfriend to the overly melodramatic B-stories to the randomness of the relationship between leads Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan. For the most part, I can put those quibbles behind me; they're just vehicles to get us to more dancing.[4] I am given pause, however, by the elision of both race and class conflict from the story. Conflict emerges not from the characters' different backgrounds, but because they keep making stupid, snap decisions like stealing cars and applying to Cornell.[5]

I semi-joked that Step Up is a landmark in progressive "wigger" cinema à la 8 Mile, but in the latter race was openly deconstructed as but one aspect in an individual's wider identity. Step Up has only 2 references to Tatum's whiteness before it is pushed aside and we are asked to unquestionably accept his urban authenticity as a balance to the ballet of Dewan. This reeks of a calculated attempt attempt at mass appeal, and the fact that the sequel also features two white leads can't be a coincidence.

[1] Obviously Save the Last Dance didn't invent the story of lovers from different worlds, but it's safe to say Step Up owes more to ...Dance than Dirty Dancing, let alone Pyramus & Thisbe.
[2] Ditto the pair-DMX-with-a-martial-arts-star template. I miss you, Dark Man (pause).
[3] Stoner might have been criminally underused given her dancing background, but better that than forcing her into the spotlight as with Lil Romeo in Honey. Tangentially, Washington is really good at geography.
[4] Although the dancing wasn't exactly exceptional so maybe I shouldn't.
[5] ZING!

The Heartbreak Kid

Why I Wanted to See It: Michelle Monaghan plays Miranda and I adore alliteration.

Why I Hadn't Seen It: Heartbreak Kid's hook is it's a modern-day Middlemarch [1], taking the conventional happy-ending as only the starting point to relationship troubles. The thing is, I never finished Middlemarch.

Why I Just Did: Starting this week, Michelle Monaghan is in Made of Honor as Hannah, which was just alliterative enough to jog my memory.

Why I'm Glad I Did: Ben & Jerry Stiller[2] are adorable together, and Rob Corddry is funny in that "Ha, and he wanted to leave 'The Daily Show'!" sort of way. The seemingly inexorable happy ending to the story is exorabled [sic], if only slightly.

Why I Wish I Hadn't: Even accepting that Eddie's new bride Lila is somehow unfit for marriage, still-even accepting Eddie and random co-vacationer Miranda are completely compatible, even-even accepting that Eddie's premeditated equivocation is excusable to extricate himself from this mess, this movie still has one inexcusable flaw:

It cheats.

For the film's last half-hour, the script keeps skipping over important events by having a character walk up and say, "Boy, these last X weeks have sure moved the plot along." There are successive 2, 24, and 72-week jumps achieved this way. It's like watching Lost in 8:15, but 300% longer and one-third as coherent.

[1] The real reason I'm writing this entry is to proudly note that nobody's made this connection before, if only because George Eliot doesn't really resonate with readers like she used to. Maybe if I looked at reviews from 1973, when the original came out?
[2] Now that joke is darn near 10 years old.

Beerfest

Why I Wanted to See It: (Faint praise alert) The comedy troupe Broken Lizard can be amusing.

Why I Hadn't Seen It: Alcohol is a foreign concept to me, and I almost never root for America in movies (other countries tend to be demonized in such films, turning me off altogher), so a story following 5 Americans' quest to become the world's best drinkers might as well be designed to deter me.

Why I Just Did: Honestly, it was on TV and I was feeling mindless.

Why I'm Glad I Did: I would like to say that, as with Kal Penn, I follow director Jay Chandrasekhar's ground-breaking career with much pride, that Chandrasekhar's ability to defy on-screen South Asian stereotypes in Hollywood while simultaneously establishing himself behind-the-scences makes him eminently interesting to me. For whatever reason, this is not the case; I'm perfectly willing to subject myself to the likes of Epic Movie[1] for Penn, but there's no way on earth I'm ever watching The Dukes of Hazzard. Chandrasekhar's alcoholic gigolo "Barry" was satisfying in his inobtrusive desi-dom, but not so much to keep me watching.

No, the best part of this movie is its smattering of quotability. Cleverness doesn't exactly pervade the movie; there are only brief flashes, but they are brilliant flashes. These 40 seconds alone [warning: cussin!] have fulfilled me more than any movie since...well, actually, Alvin & the Chipmunks, but that's another story.[2]

Why I Wish I Hadn't: My aforementioned problem with stereotypes in US[A]-v-Them movies applies, although there's not enough time spent on anybody but the Germans to get me really riled up. Belching jokes abound and are repetitive without ever attaining rake-bit redemption. The least whorish woman in the entire movie is an actual whore.

From a critical perspective, however, the film's flaws are more fundamental. Beerfest is blatantly aware that it's a sports movie. This places it on that slippery slope between parody and derivation. Using genre tropes can rarely be avoided, but announcing to audience members "Look, we're retreading old ground" isn't witty; it's smug and lazy. If they weren't so content to be overbroad most of the time, you could mistake Broken Lizard for a bunch of hipsters.

[1] Trust; that review is still coming.
[2] Long story short: Vocal percussion + Sped-up vocals + Daniel Powter=Awesome

My Super Ex-Girlfriend

Why I Wanted to See It: There have been many excellent revisionist superhero comics, playing upon the genre's pre-established tropes yet telling vastly different stories. Considering that Superman Returns was basically a series of tropes tied together, one would figure the super-man archetype itself would be ripe for such reworking.[1]

Why I Hadn't Seen It: Brandon Routh is prettier than Luke Wilson and Uma Thurman combined, so I just kept watching Superman Returns over and over that that summer. Feel free to disregard my taste in movies from hereon, but at least it kept me away from The Devil Wears Prada.

Why I Just Did: Only recently have I heard of Hancock, Will Smith's take on the super-man archetype. This reminded that there's deconstructive space that's not solely parodic, and I had the urge to wash Beerfest out of my analytical mouth.

Why I'm Glad I Did: Eddie Izzard and Rainn Wilson were hilarious as always, even if neither had to exactly bust their acting chops. Luke Wilson's oxymoronically handsome everyman persona was perfect, at least as far the film was willing to go. From an ardent 'Smallville'-watcher's perspective, the meta-Clex vibe to the film's action angle made me giggle.

Why I Wish I Hadn't: After I was done basking in the saccharine sensibilities of Stephen Schwartz's songs in Enchanted, I realized that the movie was almost as retrogressively sexist as the cartoon musicals it purports to poke fun at. This is exactly the problem with My Super Ex-Girlfriend, except exacerbated by the fact Uma Thurman ain't no Amy Adams.

Sure there are no damsels in distress, but there are catty, possessive, emotionally unstable superheroines to attend to. Even when crossing into a Bizzaro-universe version of 'Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex,' the movie still manages to be maddeningly masculine; rather than explore the dangers of shtupping the super-powered, it's played off as some perverse male fantasy.

Irony of ironies is that Superman Returns featured less action than My Super Ex-Girlfriend, but was a far more honest and endearing exploration of emotions.

[1] What about Mystery Men, you say? That wasn't really a reworking of any one film; ensemble superheroes didn't make it to the big screen for another year with X-Men.

I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry

Why I Wanted to See It: Adam Sandler/Kevin James is as likely a couple as Leah Remini/Kevin James.

Why I Hadn't Seen It: I probably decided to watch Knocked Up for the bajillionth time instead.

Why I Just Did: Sandler's Don't Mess with the Zohan had a thought-provoking ridiculous take on the Palestinian/Israeli conflict, and I thought Chuck & Larry might have done the same for homophobia and heteronormativity.

Why I'm Glad I Did: James and Sandler were adorable together. Rachel Dratch is one of my five favourite Rachels.[1] Much like Superbad did a month later, the movie does a good job reminding us of the thin line between strong homosocial friendships and homosexual relationships.

Why I Wish I Hadn't: It has the meanest mainstream depiction of an Asian in the 2.5 decades since Temple of Doom & Sixteen Candles.[2] Widowers, the homeless, and the obese are treated only slightly better. Like many feel-good comedies, its happy ending is unpleasantly illogical.

Chuck & Larry's most egregious failing is in its abject reluctance to distinguish gender and sexuality. James and Sandler continually use feyness as a proxy for gayness, and all the actual homosexuals in the film are completely flaming. While the movie openly -- even didactically -- advocates accepting the LGBT community, it also perpetuates the stereotypes against it. I understand the fear of alienating moviegoers by being "too gay," but Talladega Nights was far more daring a year earlier and still a considerable success. Someone as successful as Sandler has no excuse but cowardice.

[1] The other four being Bilson, Harris (who is technically a Rachael), Maddow & True.
[2] I don't mean Tia Tequila, but she's there too.

Strange Wilderness

Why I Wanted to See It: I adore Jonah Hill.

Why I Hadn't Seen It: Nobody did.

Why I Just Did: Cinco De Mayo.

Why I'm Glad I Did: Real wildlife footage + fake voiceovers=funny. Jonah Hill and Justin Long take the back seat after Accepted, pulling off the subtle-yet-dumb-type of gags I feared had died with ZAZ. The rest of the cast wasn't bad (Ernest Borgnine! Robert Patrick! Um...the big dude from Beerfest!) either.

Why I Wish I Hadn't: Having a ridiculous plot — a struggling wildlife show tries to capture Bigfoot to save its time slot — is one thing, but keeping the plot chugging along with cheap contrivances is another. Characters randomly get masticated, mauled, manhandled,[1] and murdered in obvious attempts at padding the running time. The framing device used to start the story is extraneous to the point it actually confuses things.

But yet and still I loved it. Strange Wilderness is not a character study; it's an excuse to amuse. When a movie keeps you laughing, why complain that there's no real story? A good comedy need only divert, while classically critical components such as "structure" rarely do anything but distract.

Like the narratology/ludology debate for game scholars, maybe film critics need to switch their standards for this type of film. Otherwise it's too easy to decide, "This is a 'slacker comedy,'" and denounce the genre. I humbly suggest the following metric: because Jonah Hill has more lines in Strange Wilderness than Walk Hard and Horton Hears a Who combined, it is inherently better.

[1] Turkey-handled too.

Death of Superman

Why I Wanted to Read It: After feeling disrespected by last year's Braniac Attacks, Superman: Doomsday--an animated take on the "Death of Superman" comics from 1993 -- was refreshing. I started to believe the '93 story could also be similarly thrilling.

Why I'm Glad I Did: Having Infinite Crisis and World War III [1] less than a year apart soured me on the whole One-Threat-vs-the-world comic. The fights you want to see get restricted to only a couple panels, and often The Threat is made so powerful that you're just hoping whatever ploy the writers devise to wrap things isn't too cheap.[2]

"Death of Superman" has none of this, because it isn't a vs The World deal. The Threat (aka Doomsday) only fights the Justice League, an at the time inconsequential collection of superheroes and since J.M. DeMatteis wasn't writing this, we shouldn't care.

The rest of the story occurs over maybe a half-an-hour period. We can assume any other superhero who heard there was some monster tearing through the Justice League decided everything was okay once Superman was on the case. Except it wasn't, mostly because Superman is an unimaginative boor.

Why I Wish I Hadn't: Guess how many times Superman used his freezing breath against Doomsday in the comics. ZERO. It was the first thing cartoon-Superman tried in the DVD. Sure it failed, but it provided variety. All comic-Superman did was try heat vision and punching. The point was made that Doomsday was too "agile" to be flown away, but how is failing to do that a couple times a worse idea than hitting Doomsday with trees? Do you have any idea how boring that is to read?[3]

Finally, why-oh-why did Bloodwynd/Martian Manhunter "teleport" away? If I know my friend is just as good a fighter as I[4] and when we team up against a bully that bully dusts us, how is retreat a good strategy?[5]

Why I'm Ambivalent: Killing Superman was a risky move, even considering that superhero comics had been killing and resurrecting characters for some time now ::cough::Jean Grey::cough::. At the same time, its success inspired a host of other "risky moves," like turning Green Lantern into a homicidal maniac, breaking Batman's back, and having Spider-Man turn out to be a clone. Some of those were great reads -- I actually enjoyed the Clone Saga -- but most were inconsequential. Does it matter for current continuity that any of them happened? Not really. You can't say that about 80s-era gimmicks like the death of Jason Todd, Barry Allen's sacrifice in Crisis, or Spider-Man gaining cosmic powers.

...

Okay, maybe you can about that last one.


[1]& Zero Hour & Amazons Attack & Day of Vengance & Our Worlds at War & Graduation Day &...
[2]Justice League's 4th Season Finale is one of the best examples of a cheap but thrilling trick. World War Hulk may just redeem itself yet, but I doubt it.
[3][Joke about how boring this entry is to read]
[4]I can go on and on about this, but it's done much better here, there, and in this.
[5]Phil Morris-Manhunter better make up for this in the 'Smallville' premiere...

Step Up 2 the Streets

Why I Wanted to See It: The description was so hilarious it made me watch the original.

Why I Hadn't Seen It: Definitely, Maybe seemed more appropriate for Valentine's Day Weekend.

Why I Just Did: It was playing at FYE when I went to pick up Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay. Yes, I actually buy some movies.

Why I'm Glad I Did: Cassie, Danielle Polanco and Adam Sevani are each adorable in their own way, but otherwise my heart is currently full of hate.

Why I Wish I Hadn't: Many elements to Step Up 2 are begging for astute analysis, from the continuation of the racial authenticity debate sidestepped by its predeccessor to considering whether dance-movie criticism must be distinct from movie-musical criticism. In the end, however, one trait trumps them all[1]:

Every principal is a prick.

Our protagonist is a pathological liar. Both of her fleshed-out friends are traitors. Her choice of love interests is between an overbearing bigot and an arrogant aristocrat. The Villain is egotistical enough to make the arrogant aristocrat appear open minded. Rather than discuss anything, they attempt to humiliate one another. You know things have gone wrong a movie uses the outcast v in-crowd template to root against the rag-tag band of inner-city teens.

[1] Special consideration should be given to how disingenous the film is, but I don't know how to explain anything without giving spoilers. Note that the bold claim Cassie can sing, dance AND act is not the most egregious example of illogic.

Top Ten Tea Em

Google's new database of court cases is pretty sexy for those of us without WestLaw or LexisNexis. But even more importantly, it has some ridiculous IP-infringement cases.

Carson v. Here's Johnny Portables (6th Cir. 1983)

For all you kids out there, Johnny Carson was a more sedate (and successful) Conan O'Brien. Ed McMahon — he's was akin to an untalented Max Weinberg — would announce Carson's coming onstage, by saying "Hereeeee's Johnny!"

Well, as you may or may not know, "John" is another word for toilet[1]. So a portable-potty company took the name, and appended "The World's Foremost Commodian," in order to make "a good play on a phrase," which was the 80s equivalent of "see what I did there?"

The 6th Circuit Court of Appeals ruled it didn't violate ™ acts because nobody in their right mind would confuse a "Here's Johnny" chamber pot with the actual Johnny Carson (the same could not be said of Ed McMahon. Hi-ooooh![2]). However, the company did violate Carson's "right of publicity" which is a thing that was made up. Lawyers call that "common law."

Cher v. Forum Int'l Ltd (9th Cir. 1982)

This is actually a pretty boring case, something about magazines "exclusives." The ∆ again failed on "right of publicity." I'd just like to point out the document really listed just the one name for Cher. This is actually a good segue into...

Abdul-Jabbar v. General Motors Co. (9th Cir. 1996. [En Banc, bitches!])

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was a basketball player who converted to Islam back when it was cool. He didn't even have to go to jail first! About 30 years later, GMC aired an ad comparing its 88 Oldsmobile[3] Consumer Digest[5] award to Kareem's awards in college. But, see, Kareem's name wasn't "Kareem" then; it was "Lew." GMC figured when you change your name you lose your rights to it.

GMC lost on account of douchiness.

The New Kids on the Block v. [Star & USA Today] (9th Cir. 1992)

Two newspapers ran 900-number polls on which was the hottest New Kid. NKotB sued them both, arguing that it looked like they were sponsoring the newspaper polls. Judge Kozinski absolutely tore into NKotB, saying they were a "blitzkreig" trying to create a "hegemon," and proclaiming they don't have "the right to control their fans' use of their own money."

The case also cites a bunch of interesting ones I won't abstract, including the Kellog/Nabisco "shredded wheat" debate, the landmark Disney/Air Pirates satire case, and Nintendo's unsuccessful fight against the Game Genie.

FYI: USA Today and Star made a combined $2500 from the phone lines, and USA Today donated its profits to the Berklee School of Music. And people wonder why I hate NKotB.

Sid & Marty Krofft Television[6] Prod. v. McDonald's Corp. (9th Cir. 1977)

The makers of H. R. Pufnstuf sued Mickey Dees for stealing their aesthetic to make McDonaldland. Again, for the kids, H. R. Pufnstuf was like 'Saul and the Mole Men,' but sincere and, thus, more frightening. McD's ad agency had been calling the Pufnstuf people asking them to license the rights, then suddenly stopped, hired people that used to work on the show, and went ahead with the ad campaign anyway. The Pufnstuf characters were actually replaced by the McDonaldland ones in the Ice Capades.[7]

McD's tried to use the 1st Amendment as a defense! More like Mc'Dicks. Hi-oohhh!

Nat'l Comics Publ'n v. Fawcett Publ'n (2nd Cir. 1951)

Ohhh shoot, it's the mid-century 2nd Circuit, aka The Judge Learned Hand[8] Show!

Nothing really cool happens in this case. Basically Fawcett made a bootleg Superman called "Captain Marvel," so DC sued them. All Hand did was remand it because the District Court somehow didn't understand the concept of plagiarism. Eventually DC ended up owning Fawcett, leading to the awesome fight embedded at the right, and setting precedent for...

Warner Bros. Inc., v. ABC (2nd Cir. 1983)

During the 80's had a show called 'The Greatest American Hero,' about a man given a super-powered suit by aliens. How could they remake 'V' and ignore this‽‽‽ Anyway, the 2nd Circuit affirmed a ruling against DC, which had felt TGAH was onein a long line of Superman bite-offs. It's likely the greenlighting of 'The Greatest American Hero' was precipitated by the cinematic success of the Christopher Reeves Superman films, but that'd be like if Fox sued Universal for making 'Battlestar Galactica' after Star Wars. Oh, wait, they did? NM lawl

Sidebar: The Greatest American Hero had The Greatest American Theme Song.

Parks v. LaFace Records (E.D. Mich. 1999)

Rosa Parks sued Outkast because they made the song "Rosa Parks." The court ruled that nobody would think she sponsored it, because, y'know, people don't sponsor songs. ...Yet. Roc Nation, get on that.

Universal City Studios v. Nintendo Co. (2d. Cir 1984)

Universal sued Nintendo because people it was afraid people would confuse Nintendo's "Donkey Kong" with movie character "King Kong." Because, of course, King Kong was about 10' ape that threw barrels at plumbers in succeedingly complex — yet always incomplete — architecture. Nintendo actually ended up suing Universal for licesning King Kong to Tiger to make a bootleg Donkey Kong.

At the end of the case, the court compares Universal's claim unfavorably to the Cowboys' against Debbie Does Dallas. So, if you wever wanted to make that connection in your mind, go ahead.

Finally we come to my all time favorite number one case[9]:
Univ. of Notre Dame Du Lac v. 20th Century Fox (N.Y. App. Div. 1965)

Notre Dame sues Fox for optioning a book involving the school's football team. Since Notre Dame lost this case, I wonder what happened to the film. I feel if it had come out, we'd all have heard of it. Here is the plot description:

The Muslim king of a fake Arab state sends his son to Notre Dame, but the kid doesn't make the football team. Lusting for revenge, the king, forms his own team to defeat the Fightin' Irish. He hires — and this is where it gets cookin' — John Goldfarb, a Jewish CIA operative on his way to Russia who accidentally lands in the kingdom. Somehow the king parlays this into blackmailing the State Department to send Notre Dame over. Once they arrive, the Irish are rendered sick by a meal of spiced mongoose and lose the game (which, for some reason, was being ref'd by the CIA's Director). A female American reporter on the king's side ends up scoring the winning TD when — at the last minute — oil springs from under the field and pushes her past the goaline.

You're going to sit there and tell me you wouldn't watch that? While I didn't find it on IMDb, I did find 1998's Goldfarb: "A team of high school idiots are hired by a suburban mad scientist to track down and destroy a rogue zombie." I can't decide which has the better plot, probably because both are far too fabulous for me to comprehend.

Sadly, the "50 Cent v. Mexcian Club Promoters" case is not in Google's database. Anyone with WestLaw can hit up 2008 WL 4648999 (S.D.Fla.)

[1] I'd tell you to look it up on UrbanDictionary but I imagine the first hit would either be about prostitutes or some disturbing sex act.
[2] Ed McMahon:Hi-Oh::Mike Meyers:That's What She Said. nOrly.
[3] For people from the future[4]: The 88 was not the year: it was the flagship "full-size" Oldsmobile. Oldsmobile was a line of vehicles that GMC bought in 1908 and phased out in 2004. GMC was a car company in Detroit. Detroit was a city in America. We now know America as the half of the Obama Socialist Kingdom of Kenya that allows slavery.
[4] I totally stole this gag from Bill Simmons. Sosumi.
[5] Who remembers Zillions? I loved those CD/mutual fund/bond racetrack charticles.
[6] The Bluebook has abbreviations for "telegraph" and "telephone" but not "television."
[7] About 20 years after first hearing about them, I now realize "Ice Capadaes" is a pun on "escapades." Like they said in the 80's that's "a good play on the phrase."
[8] Yes, that was his real name. One time he was cited by Judge Minor Wisdom, and it totally blew the minds of a bunch of Boalt burnouts.
[9] Not counting cases that involve "loss of consortium." ::giggles::