SMH

Disaster Movie hits theaters on August 29. Sends chills up your spine, doesn’t it?

Written and directed by the guys who made Date Movie, Epic Movie, and Meet the Spartans, Disaster Movie is a spoof of big budget disaster films such as Juno and The Incredible Hulk. If you can spot the problem with the previous sentence, you’re not alone. Every one of their movies has been met with similar confusion, and we, the audience have finally had enough. Nacho Libre is not epic, and Transformers have nothing to do with sword-and-sandals adventure movies. Making references to other, better movies is not satire[...]

*Disaster Movie Contest*
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Hipster of Their Domain

I Eat Those

Jonah Weiner, in a Slate essay exuding erudition I never exhibit[1], writes:

And whereas many rappers talk about destroying their competition, Wayne is certainly the first to fantasize about munching on his.

Um...

• 'Cause I eat rappers like a cannibal - LL Cool J's "I'm Bad" (1987)
• I'm tryin' to chop you to pieces and eat you - Eminem on "Hellbound" (2000)
• You get ate/I'm like Dahmer - Cassidy's "Problem v The Hustla" (2005)[2]
• You like a 3 course meal, mother[lover] I eat you: Timbaland on "Come & Get Me" (2007)

Oh, wait, never mind, I've been beaten to the punch. Another Friday night wasted on the well-trod.

[1] Seriously, I am not a hating; I like the word "Afronaut."
[2] Does it count if you're talking about yourself? Also, why does "The Hustla" redirect to Posh Spice on Wikipedia?

The Last Pith

One of my pathologies is quote-listing; I maintain quote pages dedicated to such disparately esoteric topics as physics threats, kidult roman à clef, and An Affair to Remember. When I tried to lull myself to sleep earlier by watching The Last Kiss, I actually found myself drawn in, not because it was good,[1] but because the characters spoke in memorable speech rather than "natural" dialog.[2]


I'm hardly the first person to notice this. Every other exchange erupted with overly-earnest emotion the likes of which you find only on adolescents' MySpace profiles. Still, one sentence can speak to even the most guarded of us.

Now, bleary-eyed and facing a dawn nearly two years after this movie came out, it is clear which sentence serves that function for me:

Ducks don't count.

Truth.

[1] People who were either expecting another Garden State from Zach Braff or Crash from Paul Haggis might be disappointed, but I wanted neither.
[2] A distinction I shamelessly stole from The Absorbascon.

Step Up 4m The Onion Movie

It has been noted elsewhere that The Onion Movie features a few surprising appearances, as it was filmed back before some people were famous (or the famous people heard it was going to be horrible). However, I'm the first to note it features Robert Hoffman.

For fans of 21st-century dance-movies, Hoffman (left) is instantly recognizable as the male protagonist of Step Up 2 the Streets and as one of the antagonistic dancers in You Got Served. I wonder if I'm the first person to even REALIZE this, Hoffman included; the overlap between 'Wild-N-Out' watchers and Onion-fans must be miniscule.

This ties into a question I have pondered for a while but lacked the resources to answer: Do established individuals care/know when they're in The Onion?

• Of the Billion Bill Simmons Sycophants,[1] how many have to show him he was skewered, before he blogs about it?
• When indie-sequential-artist Adrian Tomine was attached to an Archie comic, did one of his New Yorker pals pass that along?
• Given the choice, would actual-Gallup CEO Jim Clifton take the place of fake-Gallup President "Lee Sanderson"?
• Have any Supreme Court Justices looked at the description of Smiley v Citicorp and said, "That should be Citibank"?[2]

Presumably the people to ask would be actual individuals who work for The Onion, but I like to imagine they're not allowed to talk about it, that their stories lack bylines not only to keep up the charade but to keep them in place. At the very least, it prevents them from becoming famous enough to write more movies.

[1] Whom I count as my bredren and sistren!
[2] Citibank was owned by Citicorp, now known as Citi, which is short for Citigroup. Yay corporate mergers!

I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry

Why I Wanted to See It: Adam Sandler/Kevin James is as likely a couple as Leah Remini/Kevin James.

Why I Hadn't Seen It: I probably decided to watch Knocked Up for the bajillionth time instead.

Why I Just Did: Sandler's Don't Mess with the Zohan had a thought-provoking ridiculous take on the Palestinian/Israeli conflict, and I thought Chuck & Larry might have done the same for homophobia and heteronormativity.

Why I'm Glad I Did: James and Sandler were adorable together. Rachel Dratch is one of my five favourite Rachels.[1] Much like Superbad did a month later, the movie does a good job reminding us of the thin line between strong homosocial friendships and homosexual relationships.

Why I Wish I Hadn't: It has the meanest mainstream depiction of an Asian in the 2.5 decades since Temple of Doom & Sixteen Candles.[2] Widowers, the homeless, and the obese are treated only slightly better. Like many feel-good comedies, its happy ending is unpleasantly illogical.

Chuck & Larry's most egregious failing is in its abject reluctance to distinguish gender and sexuality. James and Sandler continually use feyness as a proxy for gayness, and all the actual homosexuals in the film are completely flaming. While the movie openly -- even didactically -- advocates accepting the LGBT community, it also perpetuates the stereotypes against it. I understand the fear of alienating moviegoers by being "too gay," but Talladega Nights was far more daring a year earlier and still a considerable success. Someone as successful as Sandler has no excuse but cowardice.

[1] The other four being Bilson, Harris (who is technically a Rachael), Maddow & True.
[2] I don't mean Tia Tequila, but she's there too.